Hello World, this is Bishop James Ussher and this is my blog. I was just called as Bishop of the Los Alamos, New Mexico ward, a seriously time consuming, but great honor. The Lord must have great faith in me because he knows my 6 children take a lot of my time and effort, my home is in foreclosure, and Sister Ussher is busy dealing with her cancer treatments and stuff. I know he has some grand design and purpose for me. First order of business? Start this blog and teach those science lovers in our church a lesson on the TRUE gospel.
First, I want to address you World, Earth, Terra, Gaia, Dharti, земля, whatever you prefer to be called, chillax! It’s not so bad, not even close. I know you’ve been feeling a bit down lately about your age. I know it’s hard to remember back when God squished you into a glorious ball of cooling rock we God’s children all live on today. I feel it’s my divine duty to explain to the world why science has it wrong, and religion has it right (more specifically, my religion, the Mormon church, or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). You are far less than the 4.54 billion years old scientists say you are, and you can feel good about that! Feel the sun warming you, basking in the Glory of God. You are Kokaubeam! Take a chill pill and remember where you came from.
Since I was called today to be Bishop, I have already had people in my office asking me some serious questions about you, Earth. President Sagan, our Elder’s Quorum President, upon hearing of my calling to be the new Bishop, immediately made an appointment to meet with me. Right after being set apart by our stake president, President Sagan entered my office (I haven’t even had a chance to put up a picture of my family on vacation in Palmyra this past summer yet), and I could immediately tell he had something troubling on his mind. He started asking me questions about you, earth, about your age. I first had to LOL at him (and then quickly sheepishly apologize for that, it got uncomfortable quick), and tell him to relax.
I told him, even though scientists say your age is 4.54 billion years old, based on radiometric age dating of terrestrial, meteorite, and lunar samples, we all know that science is hogwash. I told him, first, we have THE BIBLE, that tells us in Genesis that the earth is around 6,000 years old, and this fits EXACTLY with what we know about the earth’s dispensations of 1000 years each. I mean, what more proof do you need than that? Surely the Bible can’t be wrong.
Secondly, we know in D&C 77:6 that the earth has 7,000 years of it’s temporal existence. We’re at year 6,000 or so (give or take 10 years I’d say), so radiometric age dating? How can that even be a thing? I mean what, scientists just put a rock into a machine and zap it and a screen says, “yup, this rock is like uh, a billion years old!”??? Yeah right. I mean, my wife, dear Sister Ussher, is getting radiation treatments for her brain tumor, so that’s cool, that works! But I don’t trust “rock science!” LOL. Seriously, stop, you’re killing me.
Well, земля (sorry Earth, it’s just fun to write your name in Russian), you can relax. I think I resolved President Sagan’s concerns (though he walked away looking slightly puzzled). I bore him my testimony that the earth is not 4.54 billion years old based on radiometric age dating, but based on my testimony (no pun intended) which is, gosh darn it, rock solid! I mean, how more solid can you get to truth than having pure faith?
Relax Earth, you’re just a young pup and still have your best years ahead of you (though only about 1,000 or so since then your mountains and canyons will be melted and your oceans boiled away by Heavenly Father and turned into a big ball of glass to be the new heaven). By the way Earth, here shown below is where I live in New Mexico. I love the sheer beauty of this part of you that Heavenly Father made for me to enjoy. I mean, look at those hills! Those can’t be more than a few thousand years old, if they were billions of years old, they would be disintegrated into sand and dust by now! Ah, why would President Sagan have such little faith?
This photo is taken in Bandelier National Monument, where some fantastic cliff dwellers once lived. Scientists say they lived there as hunter-gatherers around 10,000 years ago, but we all know that’s impossible given your age, earth, and we know those people were Lamanites hiding in the cliffs from the Nephites anyway.
So, World, Earth, Terra, Gaia, Dharti, земля, whatever you prefer to be called, chillax. Screw science, we Latter-Day Saints have your back.
Oh, one last thing, if you could pray for Sister Ussher today, she has an appointment today with her oncologist for some radiation therapy, and those treatments are no joke.
Noah Is My Homeboy 